Momma knows Best

Wow it's been a long time since I wrote. I think I needed to wrap my head around what privacy needs to look like for me. Anyhow, I had quite the day yesterday.... but it ended well.

Jude is teething something fierce right now. He's not a "normal" baby that slowly gets one tooth he tends to get 4 at a time. I can see where his gums are swollen across his bottom jaw. He's biting everything, and sticking his tongue down there like crazy. I can only conclude that he's in pain from those damn teeth.

Motherhood I'm finding is one of the most helpless states of life. Here you have this perfect little being that you are entirely responsible for (with your partner hopefully), and 95% of the time you have not a clue how to meet there needs. Ok, ok, maybe 95% is a little high but that 50% feels so heightened when you are in the moment. Helplessness is a feeling that often shows up in trauma and often leads to hopelessness and depression if it's not acknowledged. For this reason I name and own my feelings of helplessness everyday. And I cry. Clinically their called tears of futility that move you to adaptation according to Gordon Neufeld. I usually just call them "I don't know what the hell to do anymore!" tears.

So yes, yesterday was rough to say the least. Short naps, cling, cling, clinging to mommy, no eating and loads of whining. I understand on so many levels that this "neediness" is really just about my son's God given need for connection and that mommy is the one who is designed to meet those needs best. However, in the face of helplessness this understanding usually goes to pot, and I can't see past my inability to magically make him well. For some reason yesterday God gave me eyes to see past the fog so I could respond instead from a place I call "momma knows best."

It's been months since Jude has fallen asleep on me for a nap time. I have missed those tender moments soo much. Yesterday, Jude, like usual, woke up prematurely from his afternoon nap. He was crying and miserable and didn't want me to put him down, he kept rubbing his eyes and I knew he was exhausted. Usually in these times I would lay him down in his crib and possibly let him cry for a few minutes at a time while going in periodically to help him soothe. Knowing this method doesn't work really well, I felt in my gut that he needed me more today to help with his sleeping. He wouldn't nurse, and would only settle when I stood up with him, but then he was stimulated and I knew he was soo tired. So.... I sat us down in the rocking chair, I wrapped a blanket around us, I gave him his soother and fuzzy, and I stroked his precious little head. All so peaceful right? Any baby would sleep to that.... No he resisted, he kicked and stood, and sat up and flailed backwards. All the while I kept rocking and patting and assuring him of his tiredness. I miraculously had that ability to hold onto myself and the needs of my son and through much struggle he fell asleep on my chest. Oh what a beautiful moment! I sat with my boy for an hour and half. He was in and out of sleep but each time his struggle lessened a little, and by the end of our cuddle time he was putty in my arms.

I don't often go from this deep place inside but when I do, wow what a wonderful reward. "Momma does know best,"(at this stage of development). I do believe that God has made us with the ability to parent well. When we wade past our own stuff, their is true internal wisdom. We as parents, know what it is to be human, we know what it is to be a child and have needs, and we do know what our children need and surprisingly how to meet those needs.