Momma of 2!!!

Oh boy has this journey ever been an eye opening, humbling, challenging time for me. I have hesitated to blog at all about my "hardships" because I know that 2 babes is nothing compared to 3 or 4 babes. But for me sometimes 2 feels like 10....
I'm actually not so sure if it is the having of more than 1 child or just the having a 3 year year old. That is so sad for me to write... I really adore my boy. I really knew I adored him before Iris was born and now it's not there all the time and that's hard. Its hard to see 'impatient momma' come out. It's hard to feel grossed out by his still being in diapers. Its hard to think he is trying to hurt me or his sister. It's hard that he's not my baby anymore....
I feel like the first 3 months after Iris was born were such a blur, and sooo hard in sooo many ways that I missed that time with him, and in that time he went from a baby to a boy and it's left me in a tail spin. I'm trying to catch up with his development and meet him where he is at. Some days I feel we've got it down, and others I just question the two of us all day and end feeling so frustrated and exhausted.
I feel bitter about the time disciplining him takes because it takes me away from precious moments with my girl, and while I know this too is part of parenting, I really love the part where we just run, blow bubbles, eat ice cream and cuddle.
I guess it's similar to marriage in that parenting too has a honeymoon period where though there are challenges in the beginning, your heart just smiles so big on the inside for all to see. I miss my parent heart smiling like that... I miss adoring my boy all the time.... I guess I sorta grieve being a momma of 1. I wouldn't trade my girl for the world, and I know one day I will have to let go of her babyness too. I tell her that sometimes, when I'm so frustrated with her brother, that I know she will cause me grief some day too. But for now she's so squishy and yummy and smiley and precious I don't want to lose those moments either.
I understand my mom more now than I ever have. Us siblings not only then but now, wanting her time and attention and her only having one self. Loving us all and only being one. How did women have 6 and 7 and 8 and 9 etc kids. Maybe parenting felt different then, maybe babies weren't as squishy and 3 year old were well behaved. Or maybe there was no time to ponder these things, and you just keep having children so that you didn't have to think about all the moments you might be missing.

Dec 23rd - Iris's Debut

Iris will be a month old in a few days, I cannot believe how fast that time has gone! Today is a day that Jude is at day care so I thought now would be the time to reflect on her birth story before my memory starts to fade.
The story begins earlier in the week. Like with Jude I had a lot of pre-labour with Iris. The Monday before she was born I had gone for my third installment of acupuncture induction treatment and then proceeded to have contractions that increased in intensity for a good 6 hours. My doula was even convinced it was the real deal and she worked to help me augment hard labour. Later that evening everything just stopped, and I was left extremely disappointed and thinking this pregnancy was feeling much like Judes.
Tuesday was a hard emotional day and Wed. I decided I was going to focus on Christmas and cookies and shopping. I went for another acupuncture treatment that morning and then decided to spend some time alone shopping at Winners. While I shopped, I had that weirdest feeling in my belly, like it was literally going to explode, but I just ignored it and kept on my way. As the day progressed contractions came on and off and by evening we had friends over and as they were leaving I said things felt different this time.
We went to bed around 11pm on the 22nd and I woke up at 3am with hard contractions. I made myself some toast to start loading up on energy, and then had to get into the shower right away. Low moans were starting to come as I collapsed into each wave. But they were still far apart and increased in intensity as they moved farther a part. By 6:30am Jude woke up and we laid on the couch to watch Frosty the Snowman and almost immediately my contractions lost intensity. At 7am the phone rang and it was the hospital saying they had room for our routine post-dates ultrasound. We decided it would be good to have Jude with friends during the ultrasound and dropped him off on the way to the hospital.
Although, the intensity had lessened in my contractions, I literally felt like my thighs and bum were vibrating just waiting for labour again. I thought after the ultrasound I would go for a long walk to augment things and hopefully pick it back up. We were fortunate to get the head of radiology for our scan and when I told him I was in labour he wasn't surprised as the first thing he saw was that my fluids were low. He thought my water had broke without my knowing.... The next thing he saw were two masses of fluid. Ben noticed him measuring them and asked if it was the space around the baby. He answered no, that they were inside the baby, there were two cysts 3-6 cm long inside the baby. I burst into tears immediately and started preparing to go the OR get baby out and investigate this further. He told me not to panic and that he had to consult further, he left the room and came back with these words, "You're having a baby girl, and the cysts are ovarian, they are benign and it's not urgent". So at this point I knew it was still safe to try a VBAC.
They sent us up to maternity where our midwife met us and told us we were not going home. She checked me and said I was 1 cm and swept my cervix to kick start labour again. She informed us that we would have to consult with an OB because the fluid levels were very low, but it would be a little while. Ben and I walked the halls as the contractions picked up again and after about an hr. the OB arrived. Because of my having a VBAC, and the fluid levels, there was lots to consider in an induction. She gave us the choice of induction that day or another ultrasound on Christmas Day at which time if things had worsened we'd be heading the OR. But with any induction she would have to do a "test" to see how my body and baby responded. We agreed to the oxytocin test that day.
At 2pm on Dec 23rd I was once again hooked up to all the machines I was so hoping would not be a part of this story. IV in, both monitors on and away we went. I decided I was just going to work with what was and because the OB said I would likely not meet baby until the next morning, I was already giving myself permission for whatever (drugs) it would take to get me through a 20 hr induction and have a vaginal birth. They told me the induction was to keep me at 3 contractions in 10 min, and soon after it started I was there. Krista my doula and Bethany my midwife rubbed the pressure points of my hands and feet and quickly my body took off. I was hyper aware of baby's heart rate and needed the nurse to tell me after every contraction that she was ok, and she did. The problem was as I moved with labour the monitor for her heart would not stay on my belly, so they suggested to put a clip on her head after the test.
At 4:30 Bethany checked me and I was 2 cm and completely effaced so the test was successful for me and babe and we could proceed. To put the clip on babes head they laid me right down on the bed which was extremely uncomfortable and it took 3 tries and 2 people to get the clip on her head. With that done I was free to go in the bath so that is where I headed.
In the bath my labour started to really be focussed in my hips and I needed someone pressing on them at all times, especially during contractions. I was hot and naseous and after about 1 1/2 hrs the fear started to creep in a little, but I kept with one contraction at a time. Around 6:30 Krista and Bethany both decided to get something to eat for the long night ahead. Ben and I worked through a few contractions standing up as I collapsed into him and soaked him. I decided to move to the ball. It was on the ball that the nurse started asking me if I felt pressure. I was annoyed with this question I knew it meant pushing, and I still had it in my head that I had a long haul. Krista came back after 7 and I was feeling so much pressure on the ball it was uncomfortable. I moved onto the bed to hang over the top.
A few contractions passed and the shaking began, and then the convulsions started. They were so intense as Ben pressed on my hips the two of us shook the bed. Again, I knew about this indicating transition, but was not willing to believe I was that close. Krista started hinting at babe coming soon, but I couldn't believe it and got scared. I couldn't do another 12 hrs of convulsing. I tensed in fear at the beginning of each contraction and then as I released into it it felt soooo good, but 12 more hours was too long I needed DRUGS! I was told Bethany would be back in 10 min at 8pm and then we could get me something. She came back later than 8pm and checked me and I was 5 -6 cm but quite swollen. Babe was pressing perfectly on my cervix but a little too quickly. We discussed what drugs I should have, and I agreed to try some gas while in the tub to get through this time, but could have something stronger if I needed it. It was about 8:30 now. I got off the bed to get in the tub and all hell broke lose.
Blood poured from my body and babes heart rate dropped very low. Bethany got me back on the bed on my side to try and help babe. The left side didn't work, then the right side, back and forth, back and forth, still contracting, still screaming for drugs. The energy and anxiety rose and people were flooding the room as we were waiting for the OB and likely go down the OR. Ben was feeling so deflated and I was just frantic at this point. And in the midst of all this turning and chaos now my body wanted to push, and now it was pushing. Bethany said don't push there's too much cervix, Krista got in my face to help me breath through each urge, I couldn't do it I was hyperventilating. This wasn't helping babes heart rate. Finally I got gas to breath instead of push. My head separated from my body just enough to not push. Papers wheeled in the the OR, and the OB came in the with a vacuum extractor. The OB checked me, I was fully dilated, in 30min 5 to 10cm, she pressed on my c-section scar to check for uterine rupture, no extra pain, leg up"ok push!"
Pardon? Crazy psycho chaos and now push? They pulled the gas away from me and my head returned to my body. Two pushes there was the head. I reached down to feel her squishy head, I still feel it now, I don't think I can forget. I held her head as I pushed her out in 16 min and at 9:20pm Iris Rayne was lifted onto my belly and nursed right away. I was elated and shell shocked at the same time. I did it! We did it and nothing else mattered in the moment.
Shortly later as I held her I learned through pokes and pulls that she entered the world with her head held high and tore me from end to end and beyond. But even with the pain of healing the tear, I wouldn't trade the gift of her birth for anything in the world.